I hear the alarm ringing. I casually try to reach for him as my fingers collide with objects on the bedside table. He falls to the floor and his sound stops. Still, he had a clear intention of waking me up and he succeeded. I open one eye. It’s 5:15. Soon after, I open another one. I’m getting up. I drag myself in long pajamas to the kitchen. There is no light in the fridge because it´s some old model we bought it when was already used. It was important to us then because we didn’t have money for better one, now it’s starting to bother us. I pull out a bottle of cold water and open a drawer of glasses. I stop. I will drink from the bottle though because I am alone anyway and no one will drink after me.
I picked up all the bad habits, I don’t care if I pick this one too. Cold water rolls down my lungs. It cuts so much that at one point I feel pain. Still, nothing hurt so much in relation to everything that happened.
The train leaves at 8 o’clock. I have time to take a shower. I also have time to give up if he calls me. On the way to the bathroom, I take a look at the bedroom. Packed suitcase, laptop bag and black coat. A little more and I’ll pull it on myself. The coat I once got from Mark.
You know, Mark was the man of my life. He is 40 years old, with big green eyes and brown hair.
I have known him since 2012, but this time we got to know each other better at a seminar in Brussels.
We started a relationship and until recently I was the happiest woman in the world. I loved smelling on him. I loved looking his clear eyes.
The time now is 06:30. I’m starting to get dressed because I need a lot of time until the train station. We didn’t tell each other everything and I should go. I don’t want to watch the sun rise, either morning as it dawns. I want to hear the sound of the phone. The doorbell rang. The sound of a car parked in front of the house.
I want to hear, “Don’t go!”