I don’t believe in fairy tales. I also didn’t believe in it when I was little. The Santa Claus story never made sense to me, but I tried to believe in it, falsely. I don’t like when someone makes my situation better, or tells me how everything will be fine. How do you know it will? Who told you that you could promise me the same thing? You don´t know anything. Just like I don’t know.

You don’t know what it’s like to love someone you can’t. When it is forbidden to you and everyone keeps telling you that you are making a mistake but they have no idea how strong is your feeling.  

You don’t know… What it’s like when you look at him and die of love for him. You know you can’t be his, even though you already are. Soul, body, heart. You watch him how he laugh and you looking around for that woman who he smiles at. You already hate her, she’s disgusting to you and you feel sorry for your destiny. You want to be her, good enough and perfect enough for him to love you. And in the next moment, you realize that he is doing all this so that you don’t think that he doesn’t love you. Even he wants to protect you. He hides you from all dangerous things, the days when he fights to save his head. 

He wants to protect you from the police who suddenly break into the house, breaking down the door in order to find anything illegal in his apartment. He doesn’t want you to jump out of bed scared or cry. He doesn’t want you to worry and wonder if he’ll come back alive every time he leaves. And you know where he’s going even though he’s not telling you just so you wouldn’t be unhappy. You also know that your worlds are different and you know that living with it makes no sense. Still, you believe that everything will be sorted out one day because you know he is good man. He can’t be bad, he never showed you he was bad. His harsh love is better than all the tender ones they offer you every day. His hug is stronger than any.  

I can’t live without him… It’s hard for me. Every day more and more. The hardest thing for me is when I have to step back and let him go. That’s when I would hug him the hardest… Hug him and never let go… How many more impossible loves to the possible one? Isn’t “I love you” enough?