I hear the alarm ringing. I casually try to reach for him as my fingers collide with objects on the bedside table. He falls to the floor and his sound stops. Still, he had a clear intention of waking me up and he succeeded. I open one eye. It’s 5:15. Soon after, I open another one. I’m getting up. I drag myself in long pajamas to the kitchen. There is no light in the fridge because some old model we bought is used. It was important to us then because we didn’t have money for better, now it’s starting to bother us. I pull out a bottle of cold water and open a drawer of glasses. I stop. I will drink from the bottle though because I am alone anyway and no one will drink after me.

I picked up all the bad habits, I don’t care if I pick this one too. Cold water rolls down my lungs. It cuts so much that at one point I feel pain. Still, nothing hurt so much in relation to everything that happened.

The train leaves at 8 o’clock. I have time to take a shower. I also have time to give up if he calls me. On the way to the bathroom, I take a look at the bedroom. Packed suitcase, laptop bag and black coat. A little more and I’ll pull it on myself. The coat I once got from Mark.

You know, Mark was the man of my life. He is 40 years old, with big green eyes and brown hair.

I have known him since 2012, but this time we got to know each other better at a seminar in Brussels.

We started a relationship and until recently I was the happiest woman in the world. I loved smelling on him. I loved looking at my character through his clear eyes.

The time now is 06:30. I’m starting to get dressed because I need a lot of time until the train station. We didn’t tell each other everything and I should go. I don’t want to watch the sun rise, either

morning as it dawns. I want to hear the sound of the phone. The doorbell rang. The sound of a car parked in front of the house.

I want to hear, “Don’t go!”